It's now been more than a week since The Super Mario Bros. Movie arrived in theaters. Perhaps 'arrived' is the wrong word. It's much more appropriate to say the 'film' has been infecting theaters since Nintendo and Illumination Entertainment's joint project is far from being worth one's time.
Yes, since the world's most famous plumber brothers began polluting the air of theaters around the world, it's been the great misfortune of critics like me to have to sit through this complete disaster that dares to call itself a movie. As one can plainly see over on review aggregating website Rotten Tomatoes, Mario's animated, feature-length debut is sitting at a 58% with critics. As it should.
What's the problem with The Super Mario Bros. Movie? It's simply too much fun! If it weren't so horrible, I'd tell you to see it to believe it! It's whimsical, funny, beautifully animated, the cast sounds like they're having a blast, and, perhaps worst of all, it's incredibly faithful to the tone of its source material.
You might think all of that sounds pretty good, but as swathes of my fellow critics will tell you this is the last thing any adult would want. Peruse the critic reviews for the film and you'll see that the movie is far too simple for any adult to engage with. There's not nearly enough deep, emotional, thought-provoking substance in this lighthearted adventure that revolves around the idea of cartoony plumbers fighting a giant, fire-breathing turtle. "Older moviegoers will likely be turned off by the simplicity of it all," says one review, and I couldn't agree more. As pointed out by this TikTok, older audiences will want something more 'age appropriate.'
Surely, it would have been much better for Mario to grapple with his brutal nature. Why must he stomp Goombas and Koopas? Those innocent, blue-collar minions were simply working to aid their families. Wouldn't it have been an improvement if Luigi had delivered a lengthy monologue on how much he despises societal injustices such as racism, sexism, and even fascism? Undoubtedly, Princess Peach would have made a much better villain than Bowser seeing how she represents a rich, elite, ruling class. As another review points out, "...the heroes end where they started, not having been transformed by their experiences or learning anything from them." Isn't it terrible that the movie is just too busy trying to present something to entertain and delight audiences that it forgot to turn these lovable characters into depressing object lessons?
It all comes back to that pesky "fun" the movie continues to have. We critics, like most adults, remember that fun is something one stops having the moment they turn eighteen. As eloquently pointed out by YouTuber TerminalMontage, we adults strive for entertainment bereft of childish things such as those pointed out within the Federal Trade Commission's "Protecting Children's Privacy Under COPPA: A Survey on Compliance." As per the document, we adults don't enjoy anything with 'vibrant colors,' 'sports,' 'pets,' 'music,' 'fantasy,' or 'stories.' Now had the Mario brothers focused more on the complicated ins and outs of running a plumbing business while staying up to date on one's business owner tax payments that would have been a movie! Maybe Bowser could have also walked us through his minion worker's compensation program.
However, as a brightly colored and animated film, it's basically the movie's job to entertain and raise our children. Heaven knows we're too busy to do that, so perhaps we shouldn't complain too much. Yet, as another critic pointed out, "Adults might wish there were a few sharper jokes..." Yes! Exactly! It would just be so much more tolerable to suffer through if, for example, the movie featured grown men not-so-subtlety making jokes about touching one another's privates in this film that will undoubtedly attract the attention of minors by brand name alone. I mean, hey! That's what the Barbie movie is doing!
I've harped on this too much already, but The Super Mario Bros. Movie really is just too. Much. Fun. It's appealingly simple, delightfully cheery, and immensely entertaining. It's depressing. It's depressing to see a Hollywood studio faithfully adapt a video game property for once. Why couldn't Illumination have done what HBO did to The Last of Us and change the characters and overall story to be much less effective than the original work just to torturously squeeze out as much content as possible? Why couldn't Illumination have done what Paramount did to Sonic the Hedgehog and...well okay Sonic was bad already. Why didn't Nintendo make the same mistake that Capcom did with Monster Hunter and hire Mr. I'm-Too-Good-For-Just-One-Middle-Name Paul W. S. Anderson to completely butcher their intellectual property.
Okay, the whole satirical review is over now, because I've just remembered how I would love nothing more than to Goomba-stomp Mr. P.W.S.A. Why Capcom?! Why'd you let him touch Monster Hunter?! Why'd you let him near it?! Why'd you let him make that dumpster fire of a movie that did everything it could to obliterate the charm and appeal of the Monster Hunter franchise?! Someone stop him! He's out there still, he will strike again, and he'll definitely shoehorn his wife into the starring role (yet again) because he has a secret third middle name that starts with an N. That's right: Nepotism! He went and killed something beautiful and tainted it in the eyes of any--
We interrupt this article to inform you that Cade has been temporarily removed. The memory of Paul W.S. Anderson's truly awful Monster Hunter film seems to have driven Cade briefly insane. Thank you for your time.